— — I asked them, and they sent replies. (Immediately!)
I had been reading more posts over the past few days about how parents were getting frustrated with their college kids. Sharing space in homes again, parents expected to shift back to the way things used to be. They forgot that the emerging adults who came back into their homes had begun to carve out their own ways of doing things. Their new independence and preferences left a gap between the generations.
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Lots of parents complained that their unexpected family reunions made life difficult for everyone involved. They expected the students to snap back into family life and do whatever their parents needed. But these parents seemed to forget that their kids are dealing with a lot, too. Even parents with open and honest relationships with their college students don’t understand everything that these displaced students are feeling and facing. We can’t know what that’s like, since we’ve never been in their shoes in a situation quite like this.
I read the parents’ comments; then I wondered what their sons and daughters felt about it all. So, I asked them over the internet. My daughters polled their college friends for me, asking four questions:
1. What has been your biggest obstacle as a student since you’re working at home now?
2. What’s the one thing (or 2 or 3) you wish you could say to your parents but you haven’t been able to?
3. What would be really nice to have right now that you’re missing since you’re back at home?
4. What’s been the most helpful thing your parents have done since you’ve been home?
Responses came in almost immediately. That means they didn’t craft replies to hit a nerve or promote an agenda. They just poured out what they were feeling and thinking. And they hit some sensitive areas and made me think a little more about seeing things from their perspective…
I hope you’ll read through this collection of responses and listen to what they’re telling us. They want this new working arrangement to work out, just like you do. They have concerns and fears and feelings, just like you do. They know they’ve lost some things in the past month, just like you have. They’re worried about the future, just like you are. But they need some things to make this all work out, just like you do. You’ll see not everyone reacts the same way to each question, and that’s important to remember when dealing with your own student. Some are facing things with humor and optimism, while others are crippled with anxiety and fear. Each of us has to process this in our own way. Remember that your college student will deal with things differently than you will. And that’s OK.
These responses are just a selection. We kept things anonymous for everyone’s protection.
1. What has been your biggest obstacle as a student since you’re working at home now?
“Losing motivation, miscommunication (with professors, parents, peers)”
“Not having time to actually do serious school work and not be interrupted/having home chores dumped on me while I have other responsibilities”
“It all seems like a waste of time now. I won’t get a job. You might lose your job. I don’t know how to think about the future”
“Not being able to make my own schedule, I have to rely on my parents schedule, no freedom”
“Time management since I don’t actually have to move to get to class”
“Anxiety”
“Trying to stay focused in a new environment with new distractions”
“Being motivated to continue classes- most of my classes are S/U and it’s hard to make myself study when it’s an open-note exam that I only need a 70 on”
“Having my parents hover over me like I’m a child again”
“Unreliable Internet Access”
“Controlling Parents”
“I really relied on walking to classes and physically sitting in on classes- even the ones that necessarily did not require attendance- to motivate me”
***Motivation came up in over 50% of the responses; other obligations and distractions taking over class/homework time ranked close behind.
2. What’s the one thing (or 2 or 3) you wish you could say to your parents but you haven’t been able to?
“I’m allowed to miss my school, friends, and boyfriend and I’m allowed to not want to be here—it doesn’t mean I don’t love you or don’t appreciate everything”
“I am an adult now. Please respect me. When I say I need privacy to do my work, that I don’t want to eat a certain food, or even when I have ideas that are different from yours, please don’t ignore me, and please don’t try to make me feel guilty or put me down for these things”
“Think of how often and how much time I spent calling you when I was living away from home (not much). That’s about the same, possibly more, time than what I now have to interact with you as I continue my classes at home”
“Sometimes I just need space”
“1) Please stop playing the news all day and talking only about the virus. It’s stressful and what can we do about it besides staying at home 2) I have friends, plays, and graduation that were all taken away from me. Please stop being dismissive and acting like it’s not a big deal, especially losing these last few months with my friends, some of which I might not ever see again”
“I’m missing the best semester of my college years. This was my senior year. I’m the captain of a team that won’t play a single game”
“-Please please please let me do my work, -please stop giving me “jobs to do around the house because I don’t have enough to do”, -please stop making me go to the grocery store”
“You’re making this harder for me mentally, I don’t really feel at home here anymore”
“Please leave me alone. I am working on my classes and NEED long stretches of absolute silence”
“Let me go at my own pace. Stop pressuring me, it’s stressful. I don’t have all the answers”
“I know what I’m doing and will ask for help when I don’t”
“When will I ever get a chance to have studio time and be creative again? When will my friends and I ever get the chance to perform something we’ve worked so hard on for almost two years”
“I miss you, but I don’t want to be at home right now (I’m staying at school to work)”
“Reduce background noise, don’t keep walking in/out while I work, don’t ask me to stop what I’m doing to help around the house”
“Let me be my own person/leave me alone for a little bit. Pretend that I wasn’t here and let me do the things I want to do”
“1. I am still a student first 2. Please don’t impose your schedule on me”
“I’m sorry for being a burden”
“I love you but feel a little smothered. I need some me time and it might be two days”
3. What would be really nice to have right now that you’re missing since you’re back at home?
“Interaction with friends to de-stress from classes”
“Freedom”
“My friends, my independence (to do what I want when I want, eat what I want, etc). The fun memories and experiences you can only get at college”
“All things social (friends, clubs, classes)”
“My friends and boyfriend. My freedom. My professors. My lab experience”
“Going into a coffee shop”
“A printer” and “Internet that works when more than two people are using it at once”
“Friends, resources to work out, good food”
“Being able to go out and “escape” with my friends, my own time and space”
“Little more freedom, less hovering and bossing me around”
“The rest of my stuff!!”
“Distance from my family”
“Face-to-face time with a friend”
And, sorry if this shocks you… “Sex”
4. What’s been the most helpful thing your parents have done since you’ve been home?
“Set up a workspace for me”
“Feed me (often)”
“Emotional support–whether that’s through food, a cup of tea, a hug, kind words, even just saying “I know this sucks, and I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.”
“Let me do my homework whenever I need to”
“Respect me (and my boundaries)”
“Changed my room up so it’s more comfortable for me”
“Completely supported me financially”
“Respected my privacy and kept their distance when I’m in class”
“Give me my own space and allow me to spend however long I need on homework without pressuring me to stay involved with them”
“Not try to control my schedule with the exception of having dinner together as a family – that’s actually been really helpful for making sure I eat enough in the day, and I appreciate how they’ll wait until I’m done with class to start dinner”
“Having their support directly accessible”
“Be there for me and just love me!! <3”
So, parents, use what you’ve read here and listen to your college student. They may not tell you everything that’s on their mind these days, but they want to. Figure out how to make these new arrangements work in your home together. It will make the days you spend together a little brighter.
I wish you the best. Take care and stay well. And read my next post.
Feel free to share but please include the link and site info. I’m trying to keep track of the colleges this has reached, so add yours below. Thanks!
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Monica Renahan
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