7/15 You Can Do It. Yes, You Can!

Life’s lessons are learned in layers. No one gets a complete understanding of anything they learn on the first attempt. The same goes with taking on a new identity as a college student. Every time they try something for the first time, they will realize their own shortcomings and uncover something that they have to do better the next time. It’s an ongoing process. 

Some parents refuse to give up their role as primary provider. They insert themselves into as many details of their child’s life as they can. They manage schedules and commitments, they oversee coursework and study habits, they organize tutors. Some contact coaches, provide weekly services like laundry and grocery delivery, and schedule transportation back home for regular visits. Now, just because you don’t do all of these things doesn’t mean you’re out of violation territory! Take a moment and think about how much you do to help your daughter. Think about each task you still control, and decide whether she would be better off learning how to do that on her own. 

Now, please don’t dump ten or twelve things on an unprepared college student all at once! They have four years to take on these new responsibilities. Try this instead: every time you start to handle something for your son, make a note about calling him to include him on the details or to walk him through the basics of what you do to accomplish it. If you’ve never exposed your daughter to choosing a flight and making a plane reservation, for instance, you can save her a lot of wasted effort by starting her with a short explanation of travel websites and time requirements to consider when booking. Suggest that she ask her friends how they do it, too. They may have a resource which streamlines their efforts. If you don’t explain the differences in price depending on seat choice or travel day and time, you may find your daughter picks a very expensive Friday afternoon flight because it works the best with her schedule. It will be a “learning experience.” Another thing she could learn is that sometimes the best learning comes from hearing somebody else’s experience and the advice they give based on what they’ve been through. 

As you move from provider to advisor, remember that another important role you can take on is Cheerleader. Too many students never hear any positive things from their parents. They receive a constant stream of questions, complaints, and criticisms. Parents realize they’re communicating less often, so they don’t want to waste any time on anything but the important stuff. Think about it for a minute: would you want to take calls from someone who you know will give you a five-minute interrogation and complaint-filled rant? I don’t suggest sugar-coating discussions or avoiding the tough stuff, but make a deliberate attempt to balance your talks by asking about some things that matter to them, too, and being positive about what they’ve learned to do on their own. Your encouragement when their attempts are not going well can motivate them to keep moving things forward. Give them a little boost, especially when they’re not expecting it!

One college minister gave a great talk when he had an audience of parents on Family Weekend. He told them, “You’re transitioning roles now, Moms and Dads. You’re making a move into new territory. You used to be the waymaker with the sacred map, choosing every step for your kid as they grew up. They were the inquisitive passenger along for the ride, learning a little at each stop.

“Now, things have changed. You’ve passed along the map-reading responsibilities to your kids. They’re moving into adulthood. They get to choose the way to go now. You may get to be a passenger for a short portion of the journey. Or, they may not even ask you to come along for the ride! They may chose to abandon your map completely and use a new and improved GPS to guide them. Maybe they’ll ask their new girlfriend or boyfriend where to go, instead of asking you. They may go left when you’ve always, always, always gone right. But hopefully, they’ll send you some postcards along the way as they go. They may even call for a little clarification to get to a destination. They may ask to see your old trip photos and share some of their new ones with you. 

“But it’s not your journey to direct any more! Step away from the steering wheel and let them drive. They’ll get there by going their own way.”

So what do you think?

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All the best,

Monica Renahan

Copyright 2019 by Monica Renahan. All rights reserved. Contact me for use/reprint guidelines.